


Meant to be

by Nexilis



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Avengers Endgame (Movie), Background Pepper Potts / Tony Stark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Steve is sad and needs a hug, They're not together, Tony needs a hug too, and there's no real happy ending, but it's not pure angst either, what is tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 15:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18813505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nexilis/pseuds/Nexilis
Summary: Steve and Tony have a heart-to-heart in the woods. Some revelations are made. They are both hurting but at least their relationship is healing.And they were never meant to be.





	Meant to be

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't planning to post this here. I just had this idea, and I wanted to write it down. I'm more of a fanfic reader than a writer but here goes nothing. It's rough and kind of all over the place but then I thought that maybe there are some who might enjoy it. It's not fun or happy but I love how tragic these two are. It's good kind of pain.  
> I'm sorry for all the mistakes, and my only excuse is that English is not my native tongue and I'm too tired to fix it anymore.
> 
> I feel like I need to say this but I'm neither Team Cap or Team Iron man. Steve blames himself a lot here but I feel like that's in his character. I'm dipping my little toe in Civil War and that's it, not blaming anyone.
> 
> Aaand, I hope some of you like this. Thank you for reading in advance.

In the end, getting the stone had been easy after their failed performance in 2012.  
They had just reached the forest near the camp where they had hidden their own clothes and Steve’s shield. Now they just had to get back to the others. Mission completed.  
“Go us!” Tony cheered, the briefcase swinging in the air when he waved his arms up in victory, and then slapped Steve’s backside.  
Steve blushed.  
Tony laughed, and Steve could have listened to that for hours. To hide his red cheeks and delight, Steve turned and collected their belongings from the ground behind a big tree.  
“You okay?” Steve asked as he offered the suit to Tony who was staring at something among the trees. He didn’t look alarmed, just thoughtful, but Steve scanned the area anyway. The sun was setting and casting shadows. The trees were dancing with the wind, their leaves creating a gentle swishing sound. It was peaceful.  
“Yeah, it’s just weird. Seeing dad like that, talking to him”, Tony hummed, fiddling with the suit.  
“Was it good weird?”  
“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. I was going to be born soon, here. He was anxious, didn’t really know what to do with a baby. Like I was with Morgan.”  
Steve knew Tony’s relationship with Howard had been difficult. Tony had struggled with his feelings towards his father for a long time. Hate and admiration, confusion. Feelings of being left behind and not being good enough. Howard had been one of the things they never talked about before. Before the snap. When they had finally talked about him, Tony had told him he’d made his peace with it. He would always love his father just like there would always be a part of him that resented him. And that part of his dislike of Captain America had come from his dislike of Howard’s neglectful parenting and glorifying speeches of Steve. That those speeches had made Steve perfect, an embodiment of a good man.  
Unfair expectations to anyone.  
“You are an incredible father. Just because Howard didn’t necessarily want to be a bad father, doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. Giving love and attention to your child is something any parent can do no matter what the situation is.”  
“I forgave you.”  
Steve lowered his eyes. Tony must have seen something on his face because he backtracked immediately. Which was in vain because he was right. Steve’s secret would always haunt them. It was part of their past.  
“I didn’t mean it like that. Hey, Steve, we’ve sorted that shit out. And this isn’t even the same thing,” Tony assured and tugged Steve’s sleeve.  
The sun was setting. They should go.  
“Saw a glimpse of Jarvis, too. The real one, that was an actual butler when I was little”, Tony continued with wishful smile. He still missed Jarvis - the AI -, and so did Steve. “Kind of a nanny, too,” Tony smirked.  
Steve smiled back at him. He can only imagine what trouble young and so, so brilliant little Tony had caused. He was the biggest Captain America fan, Rhodey had said quietly after Tony had collapsed on the floor right in front of Steve. _He believed in you._ Steve had been crying in his room, staring at the arc reactor as if holding it carefully and with all the love he has, it would make things better. _He still does._  
“I saw Peggy,” Steve blurted. Why? Who knows, Steve didn’t. He didn’t even know what to feel about it. It was good - in the way it was always good to see someone who was dear to you. She had been as fierce as she’d been before Steve drowned in the ocean. It had also been an image Steve couldn’t picture himself in. There didn’t seem to be a place nor a person Steve could belong to, anymore. Not in the past nor in the future.  
“Oh,” Tony blinked, then smiled slightly and gazed at the trees again. “You know, after this, you could… You could maybe go and be with her. I mean we - okay,I did - solved the time traveling and all so… It wouldn’t be the same timeline exactly but-”  
“No,” Steve shaked his head. “She had her own life and I have mine. I can’t cling to her strength and guidance forever. She is part of my past, and I have accepted it. Besides, I have my duty here.” And friends. Maybe even some kind of a broken family, too.  
Tony smiled weakly and nodded. They had reached this quiet understanding between them. Not everything had to be said - though they were trying, trying so hard to be better at talking to each other. They had learned from their mistakes. Letting go of the tension had been hard at first, at least for Steve, because for so long it had felt like the only thing keeping Steve from drowning after the ice. It had kept him kicking and fighting even though it had also hurt. Maybe the pain used to make him feel alive, but now the peace was welcomed. The easy flow of their friendship had been Steve’s pain relief after the snap. 

“We did it. Can you believe?”  
“Yes, I can. We are a good team.”  
“Aw, you’re such a sap.”  
They had changed their clothes and were now getting ready to jump back to their own time. Their job was done here and Steve felt a little wistful. They’ve had fun here. Being able to work with Tony like this, it had felt so good. Just the two of us and a mission. The whole thing felt so faraway from the chaos in their own time. No Thanos. No ash. No missing bodies and broken families. Not having to see Tony happy and married, playing with Morgan.  
Just them working and spending time together.  
Guilt twisted in Steve’s stomach. Cold like the ice that never seemed to leave him. No one could see it but it was there, right beneath his skin.  
Steve knew he was jealous. He had given up the dream about his own family but it didn’t mean he didn’t still wish for it.  
_God’s righteous man, pretending you could live without a war._  
“Hey.”  
Tony’s forefinger tapped Steve’s chest. He was standing really close, and Steve wished he wouldn’t do that even though at the same time he craved for it.  
Steve drew a deep breath and lifted his wrist. It was time to go. He was being selfish, stalling and hoping for things he could never have. It served no one. But he was thankful to have this opportunity to work with Tony, who could finally trust and rely on him.  
“Wait,” Tony said and grabbed his wrist. He took a step closer, staring at Steve with those brown eyes of his. _They are big like Bambi’s_ , Natasha had once said. Steve had understood that reference and agreed wholeheartedly. Tony’s eyes were beautiful and painfully expressive.  
_I needed you._  
“We have to go.” Steve pulled his wrist but didn’t break the touch.  
“Why are you frowning? We did good, this was nice, right?” Tony cocked his head, eyes intense. Steve didn’t understand what he was getting at, but before he could say a word Tony’s fingertips stroked his jaw gently.  
Steve’s exhaled shakily.  
“God, don’t you have headaches with all that jaw clenching?” Tony mused, his touch growing bolder. Steve couldn’t breath. Tony had never touched him like this. Tony was never supposed to touch him like this. He felt hot and cold in waves. He was drowning in Tony’s eyes. He felt helpless and vulnerable. Exposed to the bone.  
You see, they didn’t touch. They had hugged a couple of times when they had cried their apologies, but that’s it. Sometimes Steve reached for Tony automatically, and Tony for him, but they always withdrew before anything could happen. Steve didn’t really touch people in general. He always felt so awkward whenever he tried to casually touch his friends. Usually he settled for a pat in the back or a controlled squeeze on the shoulder. But Natasha kissed his cheek sometimes or leaned on him, which was really nice and a show of trust Steve respected. Sam hugged him, too. He was natural in all that stuff, and God, did Steve miss him. Bucky used to ruffle his hair.  
He missed all of them which is why he had to get a grip on himself. No time to waste.  
“Tony.” Steve’s voice trembled just a little bit. His body was carved from stone. Tony’s hand was so warm and the smell of his cologne so comforting. He couldn’t pull away.  
“What? You know, I really liked the beard. Why did you shave?” Tony murmured and pressed his whole hand against Steve’s cheek. Steve leaned into it. He shouldn’t and it wasn’t right, but his body wasn’t listening to his panicking brain. He closed his eyes for the briefest second.  
Just a moment. So little no one could blame him for it.  
He heard Tony’s breath hitch, felt his thumb sweep across the skin under his right eye. Steve stared at him. He was always staring at him. His eyes drawn into that enigmatic and powerful creature. Full of life and fire. Everything that Steve wasn’t.  
Steve wondered.  
He wondered what it would feel like to kiss Tony. He had imagined it, in the darkness of his sleepless nights when the despair and guilt were buried beneath the numbness. It would be warm. Not good for Tony, though. Steve had so little to offer in the aspect of romance. Not that his offers were even needed. He was being stupid again.  
“I… Steve, I…”  
Tony always knew what to say. Something witty and wry or kind and charming or defensive and angry. Now he opened his mouth several times and nothing came out. His hand shifted, thumb touching Steve’s lip tentatively.  
Sometimes, Steve wondered what happiness felt like. Not just good days or good weeks between a whole lot of bad. True happiness.  
Maybe it was just a fairytale. Just like the ones about fairies and talking animals her mother would tell him about when he was lying on his bed in fever. Her comforting words reaching his foggy mind between the coughing spells.  
He missed her so much. What would she think of him now? Would she still be proud of him? It ached. His chest had ached all his life and it wasn’t fair. His body was supposed to be perfect.

Steve took a step back, wiping his eyes with a shaking hand.  
“No, Steve, I’m sorry, please, just…” Tony was reaching out to him and Steve was terrified.  
“Stop. Tony, stop,” he snapped sharply. His anger rising to protect his hurting and confused heart.  
“Fuck, fucking hell,” Tony covered his face with his hands. His breathing was labored.  
“We need to go,” Steve said, and the first time in years he wanted to run away from Tony. He couldn’t handle this. He was weak, and one more hit would shatter him. And that wasn’t acceptable because he had a team to lead and a world to save. He was constantly, consciously, keeping everything in check. He needed to go forward, forward. Couldn’t ever stop or he could never get up again.  
“No, Steve, wait”, Tony insisted.  
“No, Tony-”  
“Yes, Tony. Listen to me, Steve, okay?”  
“No, get the coordinates ready-”  
“Steve!”  
And he stopped because he had promised. He would listen now. He would always listen to Tony now. Hear him out and trust him. Stop being so afraid of his brilliant mind and this confusing world Steve still didn’t understand.  
Tony licked his lips, bit them and then bit the cuticle of his thumb. The same that had touched Steve. He was nervous, at a loss.  
“I wasn’t supposed to do that”, he finally admitted as if Steve didn’t know that already. Tony was constantly moving now after being so still in that brief moment of madness. He didn’t seem to know where to look, shuffling his feet, kicking the dry leaves on the ground.  
“Let’s not do this now”, Steve sighed. He wanted to sit down on the ground and cry. He was suddenly exhausted, and his eyes stung from all the missed sleep over the years.  
“I think that’s the problem, you know? We never talked about it. It was this huge elephant in the room. Right there in the corner. We knew it was there, it was basically poking us in the eye, and we never talked about it. And that didn’t make it go away, Steve. It’s still there and I feel like I have a fucking hole in my back from all its staring, and I feel like, like…” Tony ramble quieted.  
“Like it needs to stay there.” Steve couldn’t believe Tony was doing this now. He couldn’t believe Tony was doing this at all.  
“No. I want to talk about this, Steve”, Tony insisted. He was coming closer again, and Steve felt like he was suffocating. Water and ash were filling his lungs instead of oxygen. The pink tissue colored with grey frost.  
“You have a beautiful family, Tony.”  
“Yes, and I’m never giving it up. This is not about that, it’s about being truthful. Pepper knows, she knows everything. She and Morgan are my everything, but I need to take this of my chest. This thing has been there for years. So many years and I… I want to address it. I want to stop fighting against it”, Tony explained, and his face was full of different emotions. Pain, regret, despair. His eyes seemed to plead Steve to understand.  
He was ripping Steve’s heart apart.  
“Because you are so important to me, Steve. It’s scary, and I was so afraid of it for so long. And I don’t want to be. I want to say it and accept it. Because it’s not about, about sex or attraction or, or something like that, because it’s this indescribable connection and feeling that I tried to understand for years. And I couldn’t figure it out, probably never will. But it all comes up to the fact that I lo-”  
“Don’t.”  
Tony huffed and rubbed his forehead. He shook his head and looked up at Steve with sad eyes.  
“This was never meant to be anything but a elephant in the room, Tony,” Steve said quietly. His voice was steady, emotionless. He gathered all of his strength and stubbornness to keep his mind clear. He couldn’t break, not here, not in front of Tony.  
“It was never meant to be. And I don’t care if that’s not true because my life is full of what if’s, and this can’t be one of them, do you understand? It can’t. I would go insane. We made our choices and things happened the way they did. You found happiness and a family. And I am so happy for you because that’s all I ever hoped for you.” Steve willed the tears away, there was nothing to cry about. No reason to miss something he never had. No reason to mourn for something that was never his to lose.  
Maybe they could have been something more if Steve hadn’t fucked up. If they had talked to each other, worked like a real team. If they hadn’t both been so broken and lost. If the fortune had been on their side.  
If this and that.  
It was never meant to be.  
“So it’s going to stay there, in the corner. You just don’t look at it. Because it doesn’t matter, Tony. And someday it won’t be there anymore, you’ll forget about it.”  
“Forget you, you mean? How stupid can you be?” Tony retorted angrily, the wind caressing his hair.  
Steve shook his head and smiled sadly at him. He loved Tony so much.  
“We are a team, Tony, and I’m not going anywhere. I will always be by your side,” he said softly. He could never leave Tony again. He needed to protect him, him and his family. He could handle the pain, he was good at it. “Morgan needs Uncle Steve, don’t you think?”  
“I want you to be happy, too. I want you to let it go. Find someone and start a family, you deserve it.” Tony looked lost, and he clearly wanted to make peace with this. With their feelings for each other. It sounded so odd in Steve’s mind. Simple and normal. _I have feelings for him._ No; I betrayed him and almost lost him in space. No; I need him like the earth needs its sun. No; I’m awed by his beauty and courage. No; I wish to hold him but the pure want scares the life out of me.  
Things weren’t simple with one Tony Stark.  
And he was a mechanic, and he fixed things. He was willing to poke the wound no matter how much it bled if it could be stitched up. But they weren’t something that needed fixing. It was there. To Steve it would always be there, a dream. A fairytale.  
But maybe to Tony, it could be fixed in some way. A healed scar.  
Steve hugged him, then. He could be brave for Tony. “I’ll be fine, I’m Captain America,” Steve smiled against Tony’s soft hair, one tear escaping among it.  
“Don’t give me that crap.”  
“It’s okay. You don’t have to worry about this, Tony. We’re okay,” Steve continued and basked in the woeful joy of being held by Tony Stark. He stroked his hand across Tony’s back, the other one finding its place at the back of his neck.  
“You promise?”  
“Do you trust me?”  
Tony huffed a laugh, it sounded a little wet to Steve.  
“I do,” Tony lifted his head and smiled at Steve. He was the most beautiful thing Steve had ever seen. Starlight and hope, all that Steve needed to save the world.  
Together.  
“I trust you with the whole goddamn universe, my captain.”  
_But you are the earth’s best defender, my love._


End file.
